Becoming a Yes-Woman.

Warning: Depressing beginning but has a turnaround.

It’s easy to get discouraged as a writer. As an artist. As a human being.

It’s easy to have those days when life just doesn’t line up for you, again and again. When the river of suckage just keeps flowing into your daily experience, and you’re caught in the current carried along to destinations unpleasant – reaffirming your situation.

The last few weeks have been surprisingly difficult to keep my head up, get out of bed, and keep on keeping on. At first I was ashamed of this development. Then angry. Then resigned to several glasses of wine with a huge helping of whiny-brownies. Then for the last week I just sat in it, stewed in the constant sense of rejection that seems to have permeated my life with a rancid bitterness.

Every couple of days I was able to shake it up, feel some gratitude for the life I have, the joy I know I am blessed to call my own. Then a few days later, I slip back into frustrated, lip-gnawing, panicked irritation – then sadness.

Because a person can only hear the word, ‘NO’ so many times before starting to feel boxed in, shut down, rejected or unworthy.

At first I tried not to be too hard on myself about being depressed – this last year I’ve been thrown a bunch of curve balls, near death, traumatizing surgery, vandalism, financial hardship from said issues, new job, fired from new job, and so on.

No one escapes this life without some disappointments, setbacks and changes of best laid plans, so I tried to put a smile on and keep moving forward.

So I spent the summer getting my health back, enjoying my friendships, rediscovering my love of writing and accepting blessings.

All the while I kept hearing – No.

No to countless job applications (literally lost count)

No to writing submissions.

No in dating.

No to the healing of my body.

No in friendships.

No in plans I’d made for the future.

A few weeks ago I thought ‘No’ was the fucking stupidest word in language, and I considered combing through all 440 pages of my manuscript and deleting all the ‘No’s’ just for good measure.

If one more person told me No – I was going to scream at them, “Why don’t you try saying YES – JUST TO BE ORIGINAL!”

So.

Finally, I was lying in bed, thinking about what appears to be a string of colossal failures, disappointments, unbeatable situations, staggeringly bad odds and so on.

And I felt, for the first time in years – like a victim.

Call it victim of circumstance, timing or my own bad choices. Whatever.

But nothing pisses me off more than that feeling.

I am no damsel.

Fuck, I’m not even a lady.

Three weeks of self-pity is 20 days too many.

So.

I decided to pull up my ratty-big-girl panties and dig myself out.

As always, when lying in bed and thinking how much I’d just like to sleep for a hundred years, I remember, my name is Athena. I’m not allowed to wallow in self-pity. People comment on shit like that. I never hear the end of it.

Therefore I sat up last night, building my new plans. You all know how much I love plans.

I began recalling all the times an obstacle would appear in my path and I’d find a way around it, or over the top or even under. Obstacles were always just a proving ground.

Why is this patch in my life any different?

Why have I been waiting on permission to power full-steam ahead?

Why have I been waiting for acceptance?

“This is Houston, you are clear for landing.”

Then I realized….

*drum roll, please*

The biggest, most insistent ‘No’ was coming from myself.

Shit.

Shit.shit.shit.

Because, my own power of ‘No’ will always, hands down, supersede any obstacle placed before me. Always.

The only reason I ever stay in unhealthy, unhappy situations is because I tell myself I must. The only reason I don’t quit is because I tell myself not to. The only reason I stick around is because I choose to.

So why would this situation/patch/rut in my life be any different?

Because somewhere along the line – I stopped telling myself ‘Yes’ – and started telling myself to wait till it’s okay to be accepted, to wait to be wanted, to wait to be needed, trust the system. Just wait.

Essentially, I’ve been telling myself ‘No’ time and time again. Therefore, I will always hear it spoken back to me – it’s the universal law of return. I put it out there – it comes right back.

Damnit. I totally should have seen that coming.

Anyway, to make a long post longer….

I decided last night to break down all the areas of my life wherein I’ve been telling myself to stop and wait, then I plotted out a new plan of action. Functional things I can ACTIVLY do to create a change.

No to countless job applications – will likely mean, re-opening my old business and possibly creating jobs.

No to writing submissions – will likely mean taking the self-publishing route and managing my own career.

No in dating – will likely mean – Cool, I need more time to do my own things.

No to the healing of my body – time to take more active steps in recovery. The worst is over, it’s time to actively start the cleanup.

No in friendships – means I need different friends.

No in plans I’d made for the future – means a slight postponement, followed by a better understanding of what I really want and how to achieve it.

Along with stubborn, people have often called me impatient. I’m not good at sitting and waiting for things to get better/different or to catch up.

Planning the plans is only one step – now comes the part where I have to figure out how to implement said concoctions of future adventure. But the happy side-effect is this….

Deciding to be a Yes-Woman to my own life changes again, frees up the burden of the No-Woman situational oppression. There’s a sense again of possibility. There’s an echoing call to adventure and the breath of wonder that it could seem like such a simple alteration of perspective.

No more waiting.

Time to do shit the BlissQuest way. 

Are you a Yes-Wo\Man to your own life? Do you want to be?