30th Note to Self
La Loba has sung my cracked childhood bones to shape again with discovered Mother tunes so desperately in need of hearing. She sang thusly;
“Mother yourself. Give compassion to yourself as you were not given. Give wisdom to yourself as you were not taught. Give nurturance to yourself as you were not shown.”
And so I did, and my skeleton formed of cacti needles, snapping binding and back together – a garish puzzle come to life in the glow of moonlight.
La Loba took my boney hands and danced with me, rejoicing at my recovery. As we danced, she sang my Father song and wove from desert sand and moon-glow the muscles of my form.
“Father yourself, Athena. Protect yourself as you were not protected. Give acceptance to yourself as you were not received. Give power to yourself for which you were robbed.”
And so I did, and La Loba shouted with glee as ribbons of earth twisted around my bones, fleshing out my shape and giving me substance.
I danced with La Loba in the silver desert light, lumbering awkwardly on newly made legs and she sang my Woman song and grew upon me tissues for which my body needs to function.
“Give yourself independence for which you will be a stronger woman. Give yourself honor for which there is no compromise. Give yourself truth for it will be your path when all the world is madness.”
And so I did, and at her cherished singing the prickly pear grew me lungs to breathe and speak. Happily, La Loba plucked them up and set them in my chest and kissed me upon my mouth breathing magic monsoon wind into my new organs.
“Use your voice! Sing!”
I breathed in moonlight and bellowed in dusty effort a rattling gurgle that croaked into the night.
“I want joy!”
“Ha!” La Loba chortled and took my hands again to dance across the sand. “Then you shall have it!”
Then she sang to me the song of Joy.
“Give yourself challenge so that you might grow. Give yourself obstacles so that you may learn wisdom by overcoming. Give yourself determination to get back up from failures and rejoice at your success.”
“But how are obstacles and challenge –joy?” I wondered.
“Silly creature, they are the seeds that create the joys from which you will one day garner shade and fruit. Trust me child, and you will find therein your joy.”
So I did.
And from the sand scrambled a black scorpion. It crawled up my barren leg and plunged its deadly tail into my chest, and from its poison erupted a beating heart which stemmed vines and runners across my body.
La Loba shouted and danced again. “Give yourself courage that you might feel both gain and loss. Give yourself hope that you may always be open. Give yourself strength that you might withstand all that is required to b human.”
So I did, and water bubbled up from the desert belly surging toward me in a tide that crashed into my figure, filling my veins with earth blood – a gift from mother. My beating heart soaked it gratefully.
Renewed, I joined La Loba in her wild dance. I waved my arms and sang, “I want bliss!”
La Loba shouted as we turned in circles beneath the star bowl sky, “Then you shall have it!”
“Give yourself adventure that you will always find new horizons. Give yourself dreams that you might always have a chance at wonder. Give yourself companions that you will never walk alone.”
So I did, and from the shadows came a desert coyote clutching in her mouth a pair of ears. Polished woods from the wash, blasted by sand to glassy smoothness. She dropped them at my feet and trotted back into the hills. La Loba took them and placed them on my head.
“With ears to hear you will always be guided by your inner voice. With ears you will always know the music of the universe. With ears you must listen, Athena. Listen.”
So I did and I heard then, the wind as it whispered to my soul. I heard the hum of stars and the distant melody of my own inner music.
“Give yourself mystery, that you will always be amazed.”
And with that a raven flew overhead dropping squash blossoms at my feet. La Loba placed them on my face for eyes. “Give yourself gratitude that you may always be granted gifts.”
And soon I had a nose, tongue and hair.
“Athena,” La Loba said. “Are you ready to become?”
I felt my new self quake in fear, but I remembered then that I had given myself courage. I remembered that I am made of earth, and moonlight, shadows and desert wind and that I had companions and strength.
So I nodded and said, “Yes, La Loba. I am ready.”
La Loba yelped with glee and took my hands into her own, her aged fingers so delicate and small, and she twirled us about.
“Give yourself love, Athena, so that you might finally live.”
So I did.
And as we danced the moon-glow fell across my body clothing my clay skin and turning my being to flesh. I gasped and shivered, then moaned with pleasure.
As two we danced and sang and laughed. All night we celebrated my becoming until Luna went to bed and the sun rays spilled across the desert hills
La Loba sighed and kissed me on the cheek. “You are a woman now, Athena. You are now your own. Keep yourself whole and give yourself all you need so that your abundance will run out and replenish others.”
“Give yourself joy,” She said. “So that you may give joy to others. Give yourself bliss so that others might also have bliss. Create beauty so that you may gift it easily. Give yourself love so that you will have plenty to share.”
I said, “I shall.”
And La Loba smiled a toothy grin and bent down, shifting and contorting until she stood before me as a shaggy desert wolf.
So I shall, I promised.
And La Loba turned and ran to toward the horizon.
I sighed, content and remade, grown from elements back to a form. One foot before the other and I began my journey toward the next horizon.
Dear Athena,
You have finally reached the marker you gave yourself long ago. You are a woman. Self declared and realized. You are finally, a woman.
You came from places bother terrifying and wild – from histories full or grief and also love. You got up when you thought you couldn’t – and that alone is worth the gratitude.
Here’s the thing. You have yet so far to go. The journey is just now getting interesting, and the shape of things is about to change – it will change to reflect the life you’ve always dreamed of. The life you have always wanted as a storyteller. It is here, and now that you are finally whole and grown into your skin – you are free to follow your path, the path you have paved in your sleep, the road you mapped out in wide-eyed fantasies – you are now free to journey this path.
Take with you these things;
Take your companions. Those you have loved, those you still love and those you have yet to adore. They are your greatest gift. They are the homes away from home, the shelter from deadly elements of the world. They are the inspirations that will guide and encourage you to get back up to keep moving forward, to keep loving.
Take your innocence. You have been faulted by others for believing, for being optimistic. You have been challenged by rules you did not make but your innocence is what protected you from utter failure. You believe in the good of people. You believe in the rightness of faith in your world. You believe that because you believe – it will be so.
Take with you, your voice, and use it well – use it well and often. It is the tool of your desires, your empowerment and your protection. Your voice is both your sword and your shield. It is your welcoming of those whom you love and the boundary at which those who mean you harm will be forced to halt. It is your function of your art and creation and the tool with which you have the power to do the most good on this earth.
Take your compassion. You will need it now more than ever before. You will need it for yourself first because like breath, if you are void of compassion in your center – you cannot give it to others. And where you are going you will need to wrap yourself in compassion. Learn to fill yourself with compassion by taking quiet, uninterrupted solitude. Watch stories and listen. Be in nature, barefoot and in touch with the elements from which you were molded. Give yourself as much compassion as you must - but give it away in equal measure.
Take your determination. You were once told by someone that you are one of those women who gets it done by sheer force of will. Were they wrong? No. You have never been afraid of hard work, or bruising labor. You have never been afraid to get dirty or overwhelmed. You have always been the kind of person that if you want it, you will find a way to make it happen. You have always been determined. You have always been proactive. There are times when you forget. There have been times when you misplaced your ideal with a “logical should”, but ultimately you need to always remember that you have the strength and the power to do what you desire.
Even, and most frequently, when no one else believes it can be done.
Take your intuition. You’ve got a pretty solid intuition. Only when you have strayed from the guidance it has given you – did you find yourself in uncomfortable predicaments. With that said, also take your scrappiness – it generally saves your ass when you forget to listen to your intuition.
Take your body. I know right now you are learning her all over again. I also know you struggle with her but truly – you would not be going anywhere without her. When all is said and done she is your only permanent fixture and she can be a great ally – so make peace with her. Find a truce and build a bond because, she has the power to stall you or even shut you down. What I suspect that you will achieve here shortly is a mutual respect that once you two are fast friends – you can literally do anything you set out to accomplish.
Take your sense of humor. Take your sarcasm, that off beat timing and vocal appreciation of the awkward, weird and wrong. Take your free and uninhibited laugh. Take your unlady-like snort and fits of giggles. Take every piece of humor you have – you are going to use it all. Take that unfiltered joy, the raw burst that comes out a cackle and use it freely. Give it away. Throw it up like confetti and enjoy the fallout of knowing that when the shit hits the fan – you are usually the first one to find it funny enough to pee you pants laughing.
Take your gratitude. This one is for you, the foot you keep in the otherworld. Take that ability to be in mystery, the gift of finding wonder in all things – even the mundane. Take that fulfillment of gratitude that bubbles up like a desert spring at all the simplicity and the magnificence that is every day. Give thanks for the obvious. Give utter thanks to the often overlooked. Give gratitude in abundance for it costs nothing to give or receive and makes wealth wherever it is distributed.
Take your creativity. You were born to create. It’s just what you do.
Take your sense of adventure. Take your strength. Take your knowing.
Take your honor. Your truth. When you are at a compromise, a path of divergence. You will call upon this tool and it will lead you ever down the road to the best journey.
You are at such a crossroad as you write this, and what you know as you stand before these two opposing concepts is that you can never go back. Furthermore, if you choose the path to the left you may one day re-emerge with the journey on the right – yet if you choose the right – you will forever wonder if you shouldn’t have taken the left.
And so your path is chosen – it is the path of least approval, the path least admired, the path most vocally attacked by those who love you – and yet, somehow, you know it is the only path you can really take without compromising your true self. To honor yourself – you must do this – against the advice or logic of others. Against the fears they have for your safety or future. This is the true course of your future, but take with you your honor and truth for when the path diverges again you can find your way home once more.
Receive love. Give love.
Take faith. Live in faith.
Take inspiration. Inspire.
I love you, Athena. I love the quirky strangeness that is you. I love that you can adapt so quickly and in so many ways. You are a shape-shifter. I love that you can think big when those around you are still encouraging you to step small. I love that you can toss out a grin and a care-free laugh and the moment is ever changed.
That time I told you about is here. You are a woman now and this life is now yours to accept. It is hanging, like a succulent fruit ready to be claimed. Say your good-byes to all that no longer contributes to your greater good and pack you bags full of what you will really need.
Remember to ask for help when you really need it.
Remember to re-create the moment you are sure of something different.
Remember to Breathe.
Remember there are ladybugs.
Remember that you are not alone.
Remember to be in nature several times a week.
Remember Athena, that you can change anything you want, immediately.
Good luck, Athena. It has been an incredible journey thus far and I suspect that it is about to become powerfully more involved. Powerfully more energetic and magical and perhaps even beyond your ability to imagine at the moment. I suspect you are about to experience the bliss of falling in love again, the wonder of paradigm shift and the thrill of dreams manifesting into reality. So… “Break a leg”.
Live in the moment of everything. Enjoy it. Soak it in. Write it down. Share it. You are about to step onto a stage that will change you ever more and I think you will be happy to know – it will all be for the better. Embrace it. Shine. You’ve waited 16 years for this and now that you are a woman – it is your time.
With a wish from your ancestors to create with words and intentions only that which creates beauty and joy in the world…
May you always walk in beauty.
Love,
Athena
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