05.04.07
Posted in Emotions, Letters to Nicolas at 9:17 pm by Athena
Nicolas,
I need you.
I’m tone-deaf to the music today, and my arms are hollow.
I’ve tried so hard never to ask. Worked so hard to be independent, struggled to be free.
I drove thousands of miles in search of strength, wandered for months to discover grace and wisdom and self-reliance. I managed to face my worst demons and come out standing. Shaky, but standing on my own.
If you are real, if I didn’t imagine you … then you know it’s not lightly that I ask.
Please, tell me that the sky is truly blue. Perhaps azure or topaz. Just for tonight.
I will make up my own mind in the morning. I may say it is opal, or claim it is all-together a watery tourmaline. But just for tonight, in my dreams, may I rest on your conviction that all is as it should be?
When I wake I know you’ll be gone again, lost somewhere in the hazy midway of subconscious. I will dress and live and be as strong and independent as I was - but rested from the weight of wondering for one night.
It is not usually in me to ask, but can you hold me this night, my body and my worries because somehow, I am too heavy for myself alone.
Just tonight, and I will endeavor never to ask again. Just tonight.
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05.02.07
Posted in Emotions, The business of living at 12:55 pm by Athena
I kissed him.
I’d been attracted to him for a time, his beautiful lines and charming smile hued with uncertainty. But as I sat listening to him speak, he revealed a moment of vulnerability – a well to his inside that ‘needed’ something and the only thing I could think to do – was to lean over and cover his lips with my own.
I haven’t been kissed in almost a year and a half. The last time I tasted anyone I wore braces and believed I was unlovable. I cupped his face, and leaned my forehead against his.
I am a different woman. So different – that I don’t know who this Athena is in response to intimacy, affection, the collision of energies. I felt 15 again, my lips wooden and my tongue confused. All the sexual confidence I had years ago, as a swinger, as an erotica writer – gone. My fingers shook slightly and I had all the usual worries; was my breath okay, do I have good technique, am I an idiot for doing this?
We parted with electric promise in the air. I watched him walk away and knew both reluctance and relief.
Later, I lay awake wondering how this changes things. Not because I expect or want anything from someone in particular – but because, the door has been cracked open, not ajar, but light is seeping in and it troubles me.
A year and a half since sex, contact, intimacy.
Two years since love.
The pace of solitude and adventure, my proficient self-containment has offered a safety. The safety of what is known and understandable, what is reason and simplicity. And with honesty I must include, control.
When other energy is involved, there is the potential for complexity – and I just don’t know if this new Athena is prepared for complexity.
I don’t know if I’m prepared for it, but I fell asleep smiling and woke optimistic.
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