03.20.07

Fear of intimacy?

Posted in Emotions, I Ask You!, The business of living at 1:06 pm by Athena

I’m sure this is only the Universe getting even with me for posting the blog Schmen.  But of late, I’ve been struggling with a very disorienting sense of loneliness.  I know. I know.  I’m back home, I’m with my peeps and in the city I love and running around to all my favorite places – Why am I lonely?

I’ve been trying to pick it apart.  It makes no sense, it’s a deeper more confusing kind of loneliness than something like; lunch with a girl pal, or a phone call to sister, or a dinner date with a guy friend, or a walk through the woods can fix. I went through a strong bought of horniness and thought perhaps I just needed to get laid.  But last night as I was having tea with St. Mary we were sitting on the couch…

Me: I don’t get it.  It’s not even a sex thing.  I thought it was just a sex phase. (I paused) But it’s almost like I want a…

St. Mary: Male energy? Companionship?

Me: Maybe.  I dunno.  I hate to say this after my last blog about being happy as a single woman – but it’s almost like – I just want to cuddle with someone and talk all night.  Oh My God! Mary! What’s happening to me? What’s wrong with me?

St. Mary couldn’t talk for awhile because she was laughing too hard.  But I really felt like I might be losing my mind.  Why? Why the fuck would I want someone hanging around and screwing up all my plans?

Is it just a chemical malfunction? Maybe a result of going too long without sex? Maybe it’s a side-effect of traveling through amazing country and visiting spectacular places and not having someone there with me to share the awe.  Maybe I need to sit down and write some smutt and get this out of my system.  Maybe I just need to lock myself in the basement until this weird longing goes away.

St. Mary: You make it sound like you’re a freak for wanting love.

Me: But I don’t want love.  I don’t want someone around whose going to put weight into their opinions about my decisions.  I don’t want to be trapped.  I don’t want love because I don’t want to stop growing.

St. Mary: But you’re smarter now.  You’re wiser.  You won’t let yourself love someone who does those things. 

I hadn’t thought of that.  Later as I was in bed I thought.  What kind of love did I think I had with my husband – if the first thing I think about love now, is fear; fear of being cornered, trapped, oppressed, devalued.  Is that what I really think love means? Is that why I’m afraid of it? In the past I’ve made a point of choosing lovers I knew I wouldn’t have to see again.  In the past I’ve made an effort not to entangle myself with anyone on a level above friendship.  Is this all because I make the association of relationships and intimacy with fear of being controlled?

I don’t know, but it’s something to think about.  In the meantime, I’ll see what I can do to cure some of the loneliness in a healthy way and be more self-sufficient in that regard.  I value my independence.  A lot. But I’m also conflicted – because I don’t want my fear to be what defines me.  I don’t like knowing I’m running from something.

So, there you have it.  Athena is thinking about boys – for something more than sex.  Weird.

01.04.07

2007 Resolutions

Posted in I Ask You!, The business of living, Plan A at 3:06 pm by Athena

I’ve asked myself what my resolutions for this year are.  I thought about it for weeks beforehand and even the last four days and I’ve got – nothing.  I guess I’ve been wanting to give up dairy for awhile.  So I’ll plan on cutting dairy out of my diet for a year to see what that does to my body.  More of an experiment than any real conviction to a better lifestyle.

I considered making up resolutions I knew I could keep.

Eat chocolate every week.  Flirt more. Drink too much coffee.  Go shoe shopping at least once every fiscal quarter.  Collect random and useless odds and ends. Pick fights over shit that doesn’t really matter.  Corrupt the young. Bitch about my weight. And probably fail miserably at keeping even these easy resolutions.  However, with resolutions like these – you don’t really feel bad if you fail.

But this year I can’t say I have any real resolutions. 

Does that mean I’m happy with everything the way it is? Not really, just a new understanding to the idea that if I want something different in my life, I don’t need to wait for a certain day, or month or year to make a change.  This is such a new concept for me.  The basic “green light” to everything I want, permission to go after anything at the drop of a hat. 

No waiting for a significant other to decide if it’s okay.

No scheduling around other people to make things work.

No negotiating. No holding myself back to keep a status quo.

No begging or pleading for the one you love to see the obvious solutions.

No penalties for a fumble, but serious points for getting back up and going again.

No wishing I was better – simply the knowledge that when I’m ready to be better, I’ll make it happen.

I no longer need a ceremony, a starting date to look forward to like an escape from something I don’t like.  I can imagine things and feel the current and when the shift hits the sublevel of my awareness – GO!

All that being said, there are things swirling in my subconscious waters; ideas and changes that I feel.  Whether they will be marked and set into motion this year – I don’t know.  Here are some of the things that are in the eddy.

Laugh more. Doubt less. Trust more.  Argue less. Enjoy flexibility.  Encourage roots.

Learn a foreign language, like how to love better. Dance in the rain more.  Wear less clothing.  Forget my shoes as often as possible.  Enjoy time alone. Feel Gratitude every day, even if it’s something small – especially if it’s often over-looked. Forge toward Plan A.  Keep childish wonder.  Take pictures.  Forgive. Write more poetry. Call friends more often just to say “I love you”.  Keep family closer. Change my own oil. Smile at strangers.  Make eye contact.  Remember it is okay to be silent. Run toward something, not away from.  Charge the lion.  Claim my body.  Re-home my mind.  Do more.  Fear less. Love more.  Love more.  Love more.

And oh, I do like the chocolate every week thing, so maybe I’ll keep that one. Do you have resolutions this year?

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