01.04.07
Posted in I Ask You!, The business of living, Plan A at 3:06 pm by Athena
I’ve asked myself what my resolutions for this year are. I thought about it for weeks beforehand and even the last four days and I’ve got – nothing. I guess I’ve been wanting to give up dairy for awhile. So I’ll plan on cutting dairy out of my diet for a year to see what that does to my body. More of an experiment than any real conviction to a better lifestyle.
I considered making up resolutions I knew I could keep.
Eat chocolate every week. Flirt more. Drink too much coffee. Go shoe shopping at least once every fiscal quarter. Collect random and useless odds and ends. Pick fights over shit that doesn’t really matter. Corrupt the young. Bitch about my weight. And probably fail miserably at keeping even these easy resolutions. However, with resolutions like these – you don’t really feel bad if you fail.
But this year I can’t say I have any real resolutions.
Does that mean I’m happy with everything the way it is? Not really, just a new understanding to the idea that if I want something different in my life, I don’t need to wait for a certain day, or month or year to make a change. This is such a new concept for me. The basic “green light” to everything I want, permission to go after anything at the drop of a hat.
No waiting for a significant other to decide if it’s okay.
No scheduling around other people to make things work.
No negotiating. No holding myself back to keep a status quo.
No begging or pleading for the one you love to see the obvious solutions.
No penalties for a fumble, but serious points for getting back up and going again.
No wishing I was better – simply the knowledge that when I’m ready to be better, I’ll make it happen.
I no longer need a ceremony, a starting date to look forward to like an escape from something I don’t like. I can imagine things and feel the current and when the shift hits the sublevel of my awareness – GO!
All that being said, there are things swirling in my subconscious waters; ideas and changes that I feel. Whether they will be marked and set into motion this year – I don’t know. Here are some of the things that are in the eddy.
Laugh more. Doubt less. Trust more. Argue less. Enjoy flexibility. Encourage roots.
Learn a foreign language, like how to love better. Dance in the rain more. Wear less clothing. Forget my shoes as often as possible. Enjoy time alone. Feel Gratitude every day, even if it’s something small – especially if it’s often over-looked. Forge toward Plan A. Keep childish wonder. Take pictures. Forgive. Write more poetry. Call friends more often just to say “I love you”. Keep family closer. Change my own oil. Smile at strangers. Make eye contact. Remember it is okay to be silent. Run toward something, not away from. Charge the lion. Claim my body. Re-home my mind. Do more. Fear less. Love more. Love more. Love more.
And oh, I do like the chocolate every week thing, so maybe I’ll keep that one. Do you have resolutions this year?
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12.04.06
Posted in Uncategorized, Emotions, I Ask You!, The business of living at 12:23 pm by Athena
I’m writing this particular blog to ask for help. Advice. Feedback.
When I set out on the BlissQuest I had a burning desire to see New Zealand. I can’t explain why it seemed so important – or why it now seems like a burden to go. At first I thought it best not to buy my ticket until the lawsuit was worked out, then I talked to an agent in NZ who was willing to put me on the books during my visit. I still didn’t feel safe leaving the country until I got my court stuff sorted and I also knew that by the nature of small people trying to rape the system and those they think they can get money from – they wouldn’t work out the court problem until the last possible moment, thereby screwing all my plans and causing me stress for as long as they could manage.
The good news is that they’ve agreed to arbitration with my insurance company. The bad news is that they can still technically re-file the suit, again or dismiss the arbitration until the 30th of December. If they go into arbitration in spring I should be free of the stress burden, but it’s also been recommended that I don’t wander off until all is settled. One lawyer told me that they could try and work around my “plans” for travel and schedule around New Zealand and at the time I couldn’t tell him “plans” because I didn’t have them anymore – everything was completely thrown off course due to my waiting around all year for the okay that it was safe to leave. I didn’t buy my tickets at a decent price and now they’ve doubled in cost.
Now the problem is that I have no desire to go at all. I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. I haven’t even contacted the agent in NZ because I have no idea what I’ll tell her. “I waited too long for my case to do something and now the plane tickets have doubled, tourists costs are at peak season and I’m still afraid to leave when things are not settled at court. I’m tired and I’m craving my own bed and I’d love some time to put my clothes in a dresser rather than a duffle bag.” I keep telling myself the only reason I think she wouldn’t understand that is because I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand why I’m not chomping at the bit to escape to NZ! To go skydiving and walk the beaches and all that jazz! I’m so ridiculously conflicted about feeling like I need to live up to my earlier excitement, as well as everyone being excited on my behalf.
The other night I dreamed I sternly told myself to take NZ off the menu and consider something else, then the next morning after a cup of coffee I asked myself if today I would just throw caution to the wind and book the stupid thing. So clearly, my conscious and my subconscious are at war – I don’t know what this means. I can’t hear myself speak. My voice is all tangled in the emotional current of my everyday and the obvious answers are dragged into the undertow.
So I humbly ask you, my friends and readers… do you see something obvious that I’m missing? Do you see something I don’t? I’m totally open to suggestions.
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