08.16.07
Call backs
I got a call back for the film I auditioned for on Tuesday, so I ran and did that last night.
I stood in the hall with a girl I knew from the Conservatory and another girl who was clearly really nervous from California.
I understand the nervous, honestly, I totally do. But ever since deciding not to rush off to LA there’s been this sense of calm, an energy of “going with the flow”.
I got an email a couple of months ago, from someone in LA I was chatting with online. He’d been talking to me about the possibility of the move and my internal need to pursue acting for film. He was sweet and encouraging and very “You can do it! Do it now!”.
But despite the burning need, the decade old dream of packing up and running off – I factored in all the parts that contribute to my overall happiness – and the majority of them are right here. So I decided to stay put for a time.
His last letter to me, I suspect was meant to be soothing or something, but it came off in a way that really just pissed me off.
Something to the affect of - it not really surprising him that I decided to stay, because, people generally don’t like to leave their comfort zones or take risks.
While I’m sure it wasn’t meant the way I took it, I still somehow managed to be offended by his commentary about the choices I made that I think are currently in my best interest. Best interest being – the most happiness possible for my current moment in time.
So with all that in mind I stood in the hall with two other women, not knowing if I would be competing for the same part and decided – This is Portland, not LA. Competition implies a winner and a loser and that mentality feeds the vicious cycle of scarcity – which in my opinion – is a crock of shit.
Portland is my home. It’s where my heart lives and in my home there is no sizing up your potential scene partners in the hallway with dagger eyes and negative thoughts. So I tried very hard to engage them in idle chatter and stories. The girl from the Conservatory was easy, we knew each other and she had enough of the Portland vibe to know – this is all for fun. This audition is not the end of the world or the key to salvation. It’s just an audition. The other girl, lived in California for a long time, and it was evident. I felt sorry for her. A lot. And it immediately justified my decision to stay put for the time being; simply because she brought with her, a fear of failure, a self-conscious energy of having been judged too often –found lacking and to some degree, the way she tried so hard to relax around us made it clear – she’d been hurt by her time in California and had yet to recover.
Who’s to say it was the movie industry there that did it to her? I couldn’t. But the vibe and our conversation lent to mind the idea that she was already pretty certain – she wasn’t good enough, even though she was gorgeous.
“This is Portland.” I told her. “People here are loving, and accepting. They’re no competing because there’s a lot here to go around. Everyone here is chill and just takes it a day at a time.” I wanted to shake her and scream, “Just relax! Stop covering your belly with your arms and smile!”
I got called in and as I went she wished me luck. It was a pretty fast read, and a very emotional part. I walked out feeling good about it and told her to break a leg as I passed.
In the car I blasted the music and thought on my way home, that I’ve made a good choice. I’m not in a hurry to be famous, or whatever. I just want to have fun, tell stories and be creative. Portland has a small film market, true. But so far I’ve been lining up auditions by myself, without representation and I’m okay with it. The indy market has more to offer in adventure for me here than crowded rooms of people bent on competition for the same parts and the kind of regular rejection that is ultimately a side effect of such an saturated market as LA.
I’m happy here. I’m in love with this place, and I believe – I can make a niche for myself in a film market that doesn’t have to be huge – just big enough for me to be able to express myself from time to time. That’s Bliss.
