01.10.08
Naive vs. Jaded
I was talking to my sister last night about LA and the way things work there. Of late, I’ve been feeling like some kind of freaking Pollyanna because I just seem so naive and optimistic.
Each time she talks about the undercurrents of how things are done there, I nearly break out in hives for wondering – how do I even think I can make my way in such a world were innuendo and leverage and “who you know” and “what can someone do for me” and “who do you have to sleep with?” and so on and so forth…. I just don’t think I can do it. I like being innocent to that world.
I can talk boldly about sex and life and living. But when it comes to the darker side of human nature – I admit – I like to see the glass half full. I like thinking that everyone is good and that they just have bad days, because – I have bad days. Do I just refuse to acknowledge it?
A while back at a party I heard someone ask another person if they wanted some blow, and I thought, “That’s a funny way of asking for head.” I guess my puzzled expression prompted an explanation, “God Athena, where are you from? He’s asking her if she wants to do a line of coke.”
WHAT!! WTF?!!
At another party someone asked me if I wanted some pills, and I’m embarrassed to admit my first thought was aspirin, the second was a Quaalude of some sort and it wasn’t until he walked away shaking his head that I understood he meant, ecstasy. And this is PORTLAND!
Can you even imagine me at a party in LA, surrounded by the kind of folks who function at that level of “networking”. Expensive lives. Expensive drugs. Expensive choices that make or break dreams.
I’d be like the schoolgirl just off the bus from Utah. Ask Meme, who had to write and tell me that I’d blogged about a crappy hotel I stayed at in Anchorage and she explained that it was a well known brothel. How the hell was I supposed to know that?! I just thought everyone was in love and all the chicks had bad taste in shoes.
After hanging up with Pha I sat on the edge of my bed and sighed. Let’s just imagine for a moment that I can get my stuff read. Let’s pretend that I land a great job as a writer/actress in the film industry.
I’m petrified of losing my faith in mankind. I don’t want to be a Pollyanna, but god - I want to keep my optimism. It’s one of the things I like most about the way I see the world. It’s one of the things that make it so I can tell stories and enjoy my flaws and the perfect imperfections of everyone around me.
I’m not an idiot, I know it’s not all rainbows and butterflies and the great Unicorn isn’t going to carry me off to Lala land. But I like believing that cool things happen. I like believing there is magic and synchronicity. I like imagining that there is some executive who will stumble across my creativity and go, “This is exactly what we’ve been looking for!”
I want to feel like it’s not all about who you know, who you sleep with, who you know who sleeps with who you need to know. I like my fantasy that it’s about talent and precision timing. I want to go to sleep at night and think, I didn’t have to use anyone for anything and they were able to give and I was able to give and we both made out on the deal like a couple of savvy bandits.
It’s my fantasy – so, I’m goanna keep it. I’ll take naïve over jaded any day.
