06.03.08

The heat cycle.

Posted in Uncategorized, I Ask You! at 11:35 am by Athena

I’ve wondered about the wisdom of blogging about Heat. Simply because it’s a lot of personal information. One night when I was sitting with Goold, I started telling him about the physiological changes that take place during heat that also affect the psychological changes. He leaned forward and said, “I think there are a lot of men who would like to know about this because – it could explain a lot”. Every time it’s happened since, I’ve considered blogging it but run into the problem of just how personal it is. But I think this time – I’m ready to talk.

As far as I can tell – every woman has this to some degree.  It is rarely ever talked about. It is not even really understood. Most of what I have here is theory or ideas I’ve picked up from discussing this with other women. I can’t prove anything.

As far as I can tell, it’s a seasonal phenomenon. Either three or four months apart. My suspicion is that during the natural 21-28 day cycle of the female reproductive hormones arc – and the regular human cycle of dopamine, there is a place on that cycle every three or for months when the estrogen spikes at the same time the dopamine spikes. Maybe not a lot, maybe not even significantly but the combination of the two – I hypothesize – sets off a chemical chain reaction that is not unlike going in to heat.

Obviously there are outside factors or variables that will dictate the level of need such as; diet, exercise, the regular availability of a sexual partner (a relationship), physiological conditioning and so on.

Things that are a notable observation in my cycles are: Aggressiveness, change in focus (obviously), interest in being social, increased energy, and increased salivation.

Things that are phenomenally different about 3 days before the worst of it are: change in body odor. (for example: my regular perfumes ‘Jack’ by BPAL, and my ‘Jessica Mclintok’ both turn into a different composition on my body. Jack stops being coffee and chocolate and becomes a musky wood and peat smell, and my other perfume turns almost sour. Ordinarily, during heat I forego perfume altogether because I have no idea what it will turn in to when my pheromones are running amuck.) My sense of taste changes, things that are usually sweet taste less so and I crave salty foods or acidic fruits.  Super fatty foods are delicious and foods that are spicy become unbearably hot. My sense of smell becomes dynamic and almost overpowering. I seem to notice the musk of men even if they are across the room and any scent that is even remotely bitter or burnt is absolutely nauseating. My skin becomes dry and my sleep patterns are shorter.

So – there are a few of the obvious changes. Things that are warnings or precursors to a heat. Now, the physical differences in the area of sexuality are confusing at best. Sex rules the brain. It only lingers in that tunnel vision of sexual need for about a week, but the week before and the week after are still in flux and a little bit iffy. The unfortunate part of finding a friend with benefits – is that because I logically know my dopamine is up and my estrogen is up – there is a very good probability that so too is the likelihood of an Oxytocin elevation… which means a stronger probability that my hormones will try to bond with someone.

Therefore – I must stay confined.

Anywhoo, there is the gist of it. The female biological urge to find a mate and procreate. Whatever, my logical mind knows or desires come under siege during this time and all my sensibilities are challenged. Not too severely to handle – but definitely noticeably. Interestingly, the heat in winter and mid summer is less intense than spring and autumn. Comparatively – the spring and autumn spikes are the most troublesome and require the most mental focus to keep my thoughts on track for work and living a normal life. 

I’d be interested in feedback about this – from both men and women to see it there is a common denominator. Something I am most curious about is the pheromone levels that are received by the opposite sex.  I am not a woman who gets hit on. I am not the kind of woman who is ever approached, but I do notice (perhaps it’s just in my mind) but when my perfume changes and my spike starts – men often are more likely to chat with me or even make eye contact longer. This is problematic of several levels, but I would also like to know if I’m imagining it.

If you are a woman, do you have a similar cycle? If you are a man, do you?

03.20.07

Fear of intimacy?

Posted in Emotions, I Ask You!, The business of living at 1:06 pm by Athena

I’m sure this is only the Universe getting even with me for posting the blog Schmen.  But of late, I’ve been struggling with a very disorienting sense of loneliness.  I know. I know.  I’m back home, I’m with my peeps and in the city I love and running around to all my favorite places – Why am I lonely?

I’ve been trying to pick it apart.  It makes no sense, it’s a deeper more confusing kind of loneliness than something like; lunch with a girl pal, or a phone call to sister, or a dinner date with a guy friend, or a walk through the woods can fix. I went through a strong bought of horniness and thought perhaps I just needed to get laid.  But last night as I was having tea with St. Mary we were sitting on the couch…

Me: I don’t get it.  It’s not even a sex thing.  I thought it was just a sex phase. (I paused) But it’s almost like I want a…

St. Mary: Male energy? Companionship?

Me: Maybe.  I dunno.  I hate to say this after my last blog about being happy as a single woman – but it’s almost like – I just want to cuddle with someone and talk all night.  Oh My God! Mary! What’s happening to me? What’s wrong with me?

St. Mary couldn’t talk for awhile because she was laughing too hard.  But I really felt like I might be losing my mind.  Why? Why the fuck would I want someone hanging around and screwing up all my plans?

Is it just a chemical malfunction? Maybe a result of going too long without sex? Maybe it’s a side-effect of traveling through amazing country and visiting spectacular places and not having someone there with me to share the awe.  Maybe I need to sit down and write some smutt and get this out of my system.  Maybe I just need to lock myself in the basement until this weird longing goes away.

St. Mary: You make it sound like you’re a freak for wanting love.

Me: But I don’t want love.  I don’t want someone around whose going to put weight into their opinions about my decisions.  I don’t want to be trapped.  I don’t want love because I don’t want to stop growing.

St. Mary: But you’re smarter now.  You’re wiser.  You won’t let yourself love someone who does those things. 

I hadn’t thought of that.  Later as I was in bed I thought.  What kind of love did I think I had with my husband – if the first thing I think about love now, is fear; fear of being cornered, trapped, oppressed, devalued.  Is that what I really think love means? Is that why I’m afraid of it? In the past I’ve made a point of choosing lovers I knew I wouldn’t have to see again.  In the past I’ve made an effort not to entangle myself with anyone on a level above friendship.  Is this all because I make the association of relationships and intimacy with fear of being controlled?

I don’t know, but it’s something to think about.  In the meantime, I’ll see what I can do to cure some of the loneliness in a healthy way and be more self-sufficient in that regard.  I value my independence.  A lot. But I’m also conflicted – because I don’t want my fear to be what defines me.  I don’t like knowing I’m running from something.

So, there you have it.  Athena is thinking about boys – for something more than sex.  Weird.

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