While sitting at Backspace where I went to write with BrandonCutie and visit ZackDaddy, I met a guy who sat at our table to work, I think he was friends with BrandonCutie, anywhoo, he was re-mastering the color of early versions of Iron Man comic books on his computer, which he does professionally. We got onto the topic of dating in Portland, and in general really.
He volunteered his take on the chivalry of men buying dinner and a woman insisting on picking up her own check. “I figure if she doesn’t want me to pay for her food on the first date, she’s not that in to me so I don’t call her back.”
He explained in great detail this idea of his, that obviously, it depends on how it’s all approached, but that he typically thinks that if a woman insists on paying her own way, then she doesn’t want to feel like she owes him anything – even though she doesn’t – ergo… she’s not interested in him.
While there are all sorts of arguments that I wanted to throw his general direction, I had to wonder… maybe that’s the key for guys and why it seems to be such an issue that I like to pay my own way.
Anyway, while I was talking to him, the Alter Ego Society was meeting two tables over. And for those of you who don’t know Portland… The Alter Ego Society is a group of people who get together to battle it out with their superhero and or villain alter egos.
Simultaneously, the next table was full of three old ladies playing Mahjong, while a party of perhaps 40 volunteers for the Haiti Relief Fundraiser were eating snacks and taking donations near the stage. A couple of my friends from SE were playing Scrabble on the very same stage and just then – I shit you not, a super tall guy dressed in a cardboard costume like a giant peanut walked in and ordered a cup of coffee at the counter.
All this, did not even raise my interest. This is Portland and I was less surprised by a giant peanut and the Alter Ego Society, Mahjong ladies, or the hoard of fundraisers all more or less sharing the exact same space in un-natural harmony - as I was by the concept that a guy might not call me back because he thinks I’m not into him because I want to be independent.
Well. Fuck me running sideways in the rain.
Shortly thereafter I wandered down the street with the boys to get a burger and get caught up on dirt. Which is were I broke the news to them that the Hamburglar had resurfaced.
Yes, folks, believe it or not, this guy, pretty much a thief in the night – contacted me recently on an old dating profile that I left up on line.
The worst part about it was that the computer system evidently matched us up as “a good match” and he sent me a note somewhat like so…
“Gosh. We sure to have a lot in common.”
Holy, Christ on a cracker!
He didn’t even recognize me.
ZackDaddy was of the 50% consensus that I mess with him. While BrandonCutie was non committal and I suspect he falls in the other 50% consensus that I get let him escape and he’ll never know how close to doom he came. It would be my gift to Karma.
Shortly thereafter, BrandonCutie bailed and as I was so exhausted from my workout I didn’t think I had much left in me, but I wanted a few picture of downtown lights so ZackDaddy came with and we bummed around checking out little nooks and crannies and catching up.
Around 8:30 or so I dropped ZackDaddy off at Backspace and was walking the four blocks to my jeep. It was dark and the streets strangely empty.
I put my camera bag and purse in the passenger side and was walking around to the driver door when a dude came out of the shadows. He was wearing a dirty fur coat and he was filthy from head to toe, his shoes both untied and full of holes.
“Hey, Baby? What’s a pretty little thing like you doing out all by yourself?” He asked as he ambled toward me with a cocky half gait. “Let’s you an’ me have some fun.”
I ignored him and walked around the front of the vehicle closer to the streetlight.
“You aint gots to run off. What you doin’ t’night?”
“Going home, thanks.” I replied opening my door and climbing in. “Have a good night.” I said and shut the door.
He knuckled my passenger window. “Hey, Baby? You can call me. My number is 971…wait, I come give it to you…”
As I was fumbling to get the keys in the ignition, he put his hands on the hood and walked around the front of the jeep and reached for the driver door handle.
“You’re so pretty. I think I just give you my number or we can go and…”
I jerked open the car door before he could put his fingers in the latch and snapped, “Step the fuck off, man. You’re freaking me out!”
He threw his hands up in the air and looked around, “I sorry, Pretty lady! I was jist trying to…”
“I don’t really care. Now good night.” I slammed the door and started the ignition.
“It weren’t like that!” He shouted. “It was a compliment. I was just givin’ a compliment!”
“I accept that. Thank you.” I said through the window, but I’ve been wandering around by myself downtown long enough to know - he wasn’t simply trying to hand out a compliment. With all the current anger issues I’ve been having, I was still surprised at the level of ferocity I felt and had to push down. My instincts said he was dangerous, but that to me, he wasn’t ACTUALLY a threat. He was just dangerous in general, and likely would not have been prepared for a full on confrontation with me. Not that it excuses him, from the poor choice of trying to open my driver side door – at all.
But he didn’t actually step off until I put Freya in gear, and he was waving his arms and shouting as I drove away.
As I hit the road to Aerosmith I thought all the way home about how, I barely leave the house for 3 months. I just sit home writing and caving and icing my aching muscles from the gym and how I venture out and it’s all still there – just waiting. Hanging out waiting for me to come bumbling in to all the mess of living in a social world of mini-adventures and stories. Portland is still weird. People are still strange.
Just then I decided, that despite my fatigue, I might actually go home, change my clothes and go back out. I hadn’t flirted with anyone in a while, so I texted the InfamousCoatCheckGirl to see if this guy we both knew was single – so I could go flirt with him.
Turns out he’s not, but in the course of texting I discovered she’d been broken up with a guy and might need some girl time. Change of plans, pick up some chocolate and head back in to town to sit with her at Dante’s and catch up on girl talk while the circus performed.
So, I pull into the gas station since I’m just gonna be doing a U-turn and heading back to downtown. I hand the kid my card and the conversation goes like so:
Me: 20 bucks on regular please.
Kid: How’s your night?
Me: Pretty good, how’s yours?
Kid: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m having impure thoughts about a female customer who just came in. She was wearing this shirt down to here and her skirt was so short I could see her black satin panties and I was like WHOA!
Me: Uhm….
Kid: Yeah, so she was with her friends and I was like, what can I get for you and she was like fill me up and I was like SURE! And -
Me: That’s nice. Uhm…
Kid: And she was so hot. She was hot like my cousin. And that’s not like freaky cuz my cousin is hot. In fact if she wasn’t my cousin I’d totally hit on her and this girl was like her.
Me: Can I have my card back?
Kid: Sure. Here. But I gotta tell you, I’m not gonna be able to focus for the rest of the night.
Me: Clearly.
Kid: God, my cousin is hot!
Me: Okay. That’sgreatIwishyouluckhavegreatnight.
I couldn’t get back to downtown fast enough to wash off the all the bizarreness of my day by just chillin’ with my girl and eating some chocolate. Something totally normal. Human. Ordinary. Harmless. Something that re-centers. Girl time.
And as we sat up in the lounge looking down on the stage, a 6 foot male cross dresser did a fabulous striptease, a female male-impersonator (with a striking similarity to my ex-husband) did a rendition of Flight of the Concord’s ‘Business Time’. The fire dancers, burlesque girls, belly dancers and acrobats made me forget all about my strange wonderland day, of walking peanuts, a parade of 80’s carnival costumes at the burger bar, leaning out of a parking garage 12 flights up, advice from a stranger about my concepts of chivalry, a random dude trying to get in my car and another tells me about the customer he lusts after – who also looks like his cousin. Nothing truly odd for Portland or for me in general in bits and pieces - but add them all up at once and it seemed like a day saturated in strange.
So I enjoyed sitting with the InfamousCoatCheckGirl talking about boys and love and life in general. We decided to join a women’s self defense class. We caught up on the dirt of the last few months.
It was lovely, and despite the convoluted nature of my day, I felt terribly blessed. Blessed to have good friends to visit in town, blessed to have weirdness that is truly interesting and harmless, blessed to have a life that fills with complexity when I step out of my cave. Blessed to have a girl friend to spend time with and she even takes me out to the circus (how awesome is that? Super fucking awesome.), which feels like a break from my life which is also happens to be a circus from time to time.
I smiled and looked down at the stage as the new act started and said, “It hurts the pride a little, when a man with a beard looks better in a wedding dress than I ever did.”
Just a day in the life. And frankly, I wouldn’t change a thing.
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