What’s in a Name?

I’ve been avoiding writing this post because every time I start, I get angry or flustered or burn out on the topic.

But with the pending release of my first novel, I suspect there will be a great many questions on this particular topic, so I intend to post this as a fixed page and refer to it any time the question comes up.

Why do you only have one name?

It’s not a long story, or even complicated. Quite simply, it was a personal choice after my divorce to venture out into the world with just my first name. Not what I married into or inherited by lineage, but what was just me. Just Athena. I wanted to discover who I was/am from the most simple, fundamental elements.

From that five sentence explanation, I could write an entire book on the adverse reactions this decision has garnered. Some good. Most exasperating. A few downright bone-chilling.

In terms of social experiments, it has been a fascinating study on our social expectations, gender roles, naming conventions and personal individuality to run around without a surname. Despite how interesting it is, the curiosity is not why I did it.

Furthermore, it’s astonishing how fast people will fill in their own explanation for my very personal choice. Because there is not a social normalcy for female mononames (unless you count superstars Madonna and Cher) the average stranger will immediately fill in a “reasonable hypothesis” to my “unreasonable decision” and they are suddenly more at ease around me once they’ve concocted a label they can comprehend.

“Ooohhh, you’re a lesbian.”

“You must really hate your family.”

“I get it. You’re a feminist.”

“Oh, I totally understand, you want to make a statement to the world that you can’t be owned.”

“I bet you did it for publicity. Are you a singer?”

“So you have an “Artist mentality”.”

“So, I guess you hate men.”

“So, what you’re saying is that you’re a narcissist.”

“Do you also burn bras and sacrifice kittens?”

“Are you a witch?”

“Is it a religious thing?”

“I’m gay too.”

As it happens. I’m not gay. Nor am I a witch, a feminist, a man-hater or a religious individual. I don’t hate my family. My father was my first and most vocal supporter of the choice. I’m not a singer with aims at a life like Madonna or Cher. I don’t burn bras or sacrifice kittens.

I’m just a mononame.

I will, however, fess up to the “you must be a narcissist” comment being somewhat accurate – because yes, this choice was about my life and my self-discovery.

Generally, I don’t argue with folks anymore or try to express how their opinion or assumption of my meaning is distorted. They typically just don’t get it and I don’t have the energy to keep correcting them. In many cases, it’s nuance anyway. Important nuance, but lost in the static of many preconceived notions, so I just let it slide.

After six years of living in the world without a surname, I’ve learned that people will assume the conclusion that works best for their understanding of what is unusual.

That’s not to say that it isn’t sometimes scary or disheartening. Sometimes it’s tremendously unsettling what people have as their set-point of acceptable normalcy and what they will do to defend it. The most adverse reactions have gone like this so after the initial answer to why I’m a mononame. These are actual quotes….(and it should be noted, all these statements were made by those of the male gender)

“If you were in my country, you’d be stoned for dishonoring your family.”

“If you were my wife, I’d force you to take my name.”

“You’ve destroyed your father. You’re a terrible daughter.”

“You are immoral.”

“God will punish you for hurting your family.”

“If you die, no one will care because no one will find you in the system without a last name.”

“If you had children, I’d take them away from you.”

“If you ever visit my country, I’ll teach you a lesson.”

“Your father should disown you.”

“You must return to your maiden name, or I will not help you get your license. You are immoral.”

 For sure, there are some terrible and threatening things about stepping out of the groove of what’s recognizable and acceptable in the world. We live in a patrilineal society, generally inheriting the names of our fathers or accepting the names of our husbands or guardians.

Over the years on this blog I’ve told stories of men who confront me, a woman in her thirties in a modern world, and say things like, “Without a last name you don’t have anyone to protect you!” to which I replied, “I’m thirty. I don’t need to be protected.”

But what I really wanted to say was, “What protection?” Does having a last name protect me from abuse? No. Rape? No. Mistreatment? No. Abduction? Insults? Control? Judgment? Theft?

Absolutely not. In fact. Nearly all of the above still occurred even when I had a last name. To what “name protection” are these men referring?

Conversely, while this has been a frequent comment from the adult male population for the last six years – NOT ONCE has a similar comment ever been voiced by a woman, ever.  Interesting.

Furthermore, there is an implication in this statement, that if I were in serious trouble and had no last name to protect me, I’d be abandoned by my family, sisters, brothers and parents; which I know is absolutely not the truth.

So the point is, I fail to see the logic of this ever-repetitive argument. And it has failed to intimidate me or cause enough fear to return to a last name.

All intimidation aside, there are some practical points and difficulties in living as a mononame. Such as,

Most computer systems and registrations have last name fields which are mandatory.

Many employers or potential business partners assume I’m trying for “informality” or at worst, that I’m sloppy and forgot my last name on my application.

People don’t want the hassle of adapting to something different, (paperwork is cumbersome).

Religious folk with issues about gay rights, assume I am a lesbian based on my choice, or that I am an immoral individual bent on ruin. (This was only a problem when a former CEO of my company confronted me, red-faced and screaming about my affront to God and my immoral abuse of my father’s name.) It eventually cost me my job as I put my notice in the very next week. I didn’t want to work for such a person.

Certain computer systems and programs require a “key-stroke work around” to get my legal name in the database.

It’s tedious to explain, break it down, repeat, inform, justify or even find ways to make this choice work on a daily basis.

 While there are terrifying/tedious/repetitive/exasperating episodes related to living a mononame life, there are also funny days and laughable moments.

“I searched for you on the internet and got like, three trillion hits. Apparently, Athena is the name of a goddess or something.”

“You could just make up a last name, like, Athena Fuck-ya’ll-motherfuckers.”

“Have you considered selling your last name spot to a corporation to raise money? How about Athena Starbucks?”

Upon filing my request for student aid and being shuffled to the customer service hotline– “Wow, Athena as a mononame. That’s weird, we used to have a Finance Director in that area with Athena as a mononame too!” I replied, “Yeah, actually, that was me.”

Upon getting my cable modem installed and the tech sending a work order to HQ to work around my last name- guy at HQ who got my case was actually the boyfriend of a co-worker and he came home that night and told her, “Yeah, I had to fix an account for this chick with one name. Like, just Athena. Weird. Who does that?” She replied, “Actually, that’s the Athena I work with.”

As funny as it can be sometimes there are times when I do occasionally think about how much easier my life was when I had a last name. Fewer calls to customer service. Easier airline reservations. Easier job application process. MUCH LESS EXPLAINING.

And for it being a personal choice, there are a surprising number of people who behave as though my name is a burden to their daily existence. Customer service calls wherein the tech reeeeallly doesn’t want to have to discover a key-stroke work around and tells me to call back when I have a last name. Or people who behave as though I made this choice- only to upset them, cause more work, rock the boat, collapse the system, thumb my nose, cause irritation – somehow, my very personal choice has become “all about them”.

I won’t break it down too much by demographic but the highlights are thus:

People under 30 rarely even blink. Usually, they just shrug when they hear the mononame.

Men between 45-60 usually have the most emotional responses.

Women of any age bracket are most likely to either a) tilt their head and say, “huh, I didn’t know you could do that” b) roll their eyes c) “what did your dad say?” or d) “wow, I bet that’s a pain in the ass.”

With the pending release of Murder of Crows, I’ve decided not to take a penname. I realize this will make it difficult to be found via the internet. My teacher said, “As an indie author, you can’t afford to have people thinking you’re weird.” And a publicist said, “You might disappear in the slush”.

I accept those potential negative outcomes, just as I accept that I will probably be explaining myself and my name for years to come.

While I know I can always return to my maiden name, or choose a surname. The varied and vehement responses I’ve encountered over the last six years have solidified my interest in remaining, for the time being, independent of a last name convention.

It’s taught me a lot about the culture I live in, about the people I interact with and about the expectations that I am no longer required to uphold as well as the new expectations I’m required to shoulder.

And each of these experiences has strangely, unexpectedly, brought me closer to the reason I went mononame in the first place. To discover – What role I have in this world that is just mine? What journey is because it is named of me versus what I freely choose?

With these abundant experiences, I’m challenging my perceptions on a conscious and subconscious level about what and who I am, constantly. And each time, I pare it down to its base element, raw material, to see what’s left standing is usually just….

Athena.

And for now, that’s enough for me.